Thursday, March 6, 2008

i dunno

i'm kind of all over the place right now.

i'm someone who would say i love jesus if anyone ever asked. but a lot of the time i'm asking for things.
"help me develop a better relationship with this person"
"let me be able to do this"
"this is what i need"

when really, in all honesty, those are probably the things i need the least.

if i'm to the point that i want to be friends with someone, or want to be able to do something, or feel like i need something, then whatever it is i'm asking for, has power over me, instead of God having power over me.

if i say "i need a pony" and obsess over it to the point i'm asking God for that pony, then the pony has become a point of obsession, and it's something i need to let go of before i get that pony. i'm putting so much time and effort in to that pony that i'm giving more time and effort, and power to the pony in my life, than God.

i think a more substantial prayer would be "God, give me what i need, and fill my soul with an abundance of life"

one of the desert fathers said "when i pray, i keep it simple, a few words, it's more honest that way, my most common prayer is 'Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me' and if things get really difficult, i resort to 'help me' that is how i pray"

i'm really bad at that, i like to talk a lot... so it goes more around the lines of "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me... i'm a wreck, help me to do me to be more like this... this is what i'm doing wrong... i need this... and this... and this... and this... and this person's awesome... i want to be better friends with them... helpme to love more... be more like you... i'm really bad at this... this is something i do well at... give me the opportunity to do this... to use this strength... " and by the time i'm done with praying... i've said about 20 gazillion words... so much for simple.

but hey, God can use anything.

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