its not too often that i feel like writing anything close to a rant, and i don't really appreciate the emotions behind ranting - i don't think they're wholesome. emotional build-ups frequently lead to rash decisions, and bad choices, but i'm gonna go on for a bit:
tonight a movie came on while we were with a bunch of people - and a girl that i now really admire had the boldness to question if it was something healthy, and wholesome to watch.
the movie had a young guy selling expensive drugs to all his friends, and the main punchline of the jokes were the ridiculous, and outrageous side effects and symptoms that the kids experienced when they took the drugs.
this isn't funny - people high and on drugs, relying on an external substance to fix inner problems, taking up crutches, isn't funny.
similarly out of a bad place of neediness too often jokes come out - cheap jokes - that cost nothing less than a few words, and a bad mind come out. jokes about sex, jokes about 'your mom', jokes about any kind of sin, or depravity - pedophilia - are not funny. they are cheap, costless and destroy our minds.
i challenge you to pick jokes without any guilt attached, it takes a lot of work, and it takes a lot of conviction - and i mess up, i'll go cheap sometimes, but convict me, catch me.
cheap grace happens when we don't give our whole lives to jesus. he says follow me - leave you're dead behind, follow me.
similarly cheap jokes happen when we try and hold on to a worldly tongue. get rid of it. rebuke it, break it off, whatever. we're called to holiness, nothing less.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
i'm gonna tell you my heart right now:
i have no idea why i follow my Father
i have no idea why my Father loves me
yes i am well aware of the theology, and scriptures behind the Father's love. and i'm not having a crisis of faith - the problem is that i can't help but believe.
i know my history with my Father, and i know the whole story of my testimony - deliverance from paralyzing fear, and crippling insecurity. i've tasted and seen, i've experienced joy and peace beyond measure - experiences that can't be called anything but supernatural.
why have i been given this faith? why have i been given the heart to call on Him in every trial? why am i forced - yes forced! - to cry out, scream and worship Him in all my circumstances? why was i given this heart to see Him exalted? sometimes i want an ignorant life Father!
today i resonate with the cries of king David who lamented psalm 88 crying out "are your miracles only in the darkness, do you show your wonders to the dead? you Lord have put me in the lowest pit, and yet day and night i lift my hands to you, i exalt your name - but you do not answer. have you rejected Your servant? Father? do you hide Your face from me?"
David wasn't having a crisis of faith, he didn't have bad theology, and he wasn't a depressed man.
i'm scared because God wants us all to have a heart like David - that says "i want nothing less than the Kingdom of God now. justice to all, and holiness in all." and this is foreign to the world - our (Father's) wisdom being called foolishness.
we are called fools by our families, and friends, we are aliens in our homes. the world rejects His servants.
and so reconciling my thoughts, what scares me is that i have a life ahead of me experiencing that kind of oppression and rejection - even among those who love Jesus. it's not something i'm excited about, and its not something i would turn away from - but i don't eagerly anticipate my suffering, or my rejection.
i pray for peace, knowing it will come, and i draw strength knowing it's there. and i acknowledge i need saving, every minute. every second i need my Father's grace - not because i'm a sinner, not because i'm evil, but because without His Spirit i am both of those things.
i have no idea what i wrote above here. thanks.