i'm heading out

oh Lord, 

how many are my transgressions against you?

how many more times will i return to your temple asking forgiveness?

when will it cease? 

will i repent then turn and sin again? 

father forgive me my sins,

forgive my disobedience. 

why choose death when i may have life? 

where is the logic in my decisions?

i've been impatient, i've schemed and planned.

i've not obeyed You, i've ignored your Voice.

oh Lord how can you love a man like me?

when will i wait for you? when will i listen to your promises?

when will i hear Your Voice and obey?

i sleep with bathsheba

and kill uriah, 

but do not worship You.

my child dies from my disobedience,

and i do not exalt You.

where is my repentance? where is my heart?

oh that my heart would be as your servant David's

that when i sin, i do not continue in laziness.

that when trial and punishment comes

i would fast, pray, seek and worship You.

that my first response would be exaltation.

oh how i desire to cast off all complacency!

You say "I will come."

but i do not wait,

You say "wait for Me"

and i make plans.

give me an obedient heart, Father.

i repent of my laziness,

of my complacency.

oh Lord, i will turn from my wicked ways,

i will turn from my laziness, from my complacency.

i will seek you and let you change me.

do not allow me to go on like this.

no more false repentance, no more laziness.

i tear down my idols, i fast, and i pray.

this is my repentance:

not sacrifice, not empty words -

but real fasting, real obedience

acknowledgment.

for i know that You father, 

do not desire sacrifice and burnt offerings,

You do not desire a whitewash of 'praise'

You have no desire for pretty things.

may all my offerings, words, and actions bring forth a river of righteousness,

this is my offering to You Father, my obedience, and acknowledgement.

holiness and purity

i don't have sex until i'm married

i don't do drugs

i don't get drunk

i don't look at pornography

i don't think bad things about people

i don't swear or gossip

i don't hurt people intentionally

i don't covet others' possessions or lifestyles

i don't steal from my neighbour

i don't worship idols

i don't cheat on my girlfriend, fiance or spouse

this list can go on for a while. an extra significant addition to the list, however, is "i do good". its become really popular these days to, in light of jesus' teaching, change this list around to:

i love God, i love my neighbour, i love myself.

because technically, speaking, i'm not going to do any of these if i really follow that statement. 

everything i wrote up there, is good to follow, and is generally wise council. but often we forget how wonderful it is to actually follow these laws - not out of a burdensome, guilty conscience, but for purity's sake.

this week, i had the wonderful experience of living with a family for four days. this family valued purity, and holiness so much. this value is fruit of the Spirit, but not often do we see it as valuable, something of high esteem, or especially a joy! we need to get ready for God. He's coming soon, and we need to be like a bride, perfect, and beautiful - pure - for the bridegroom (its a fancy word for husband) to come. 

i want to desire what God desires, i want to be shaped by the desires of the Spirit. i want to desire good, in fact, i do desire good. i desire purity, and i desire to live purely and holy. 

we can, and should desire what the Spirit desires, this isn't a lofty goal. we have the Spirit of God living in us, the same Spirit that overcame all temptation. if we live by the Spirit, we desire what the Spirit desires.

remember, we have been called pure, righteous, and holy by Jesus. we're not sinful.

i want to watch what goes in to my mind - i want pure jokes, wholesome television, and movies, and good conversation. i want to be surrounded in goodness, and hearing words, and music that edifies me. 

i will be in worship all day. there will be an open space to talk with my Father all day.

this isn't something new, this isn't a resolution, this is a declaration that purity, holiness, and righteousness - even though they're out of season with this world - are valuable.

if i'm given a clean slate, why would i dirty it up? do i want to continue to repent over and over? or do i want to go deeper, getting to know my Creator?