my heart

i'm gonna tell you my heart right now:

i have no idea why i follow my Father 

and

i have no idea why my Father loves me

yes i am well aware of the theology, and scriptures behind the Father's love. and i'm not having a crisis of faith - the problem is that i can't help but believe. 

i know my history with my Father, and i know the whole story of my testimony - deliverance from paralyzing fear, and crippling insecurity. i've tasted and seen, i've experienced joy and peace beyond measure - experiences that can't be called anything but supernatural.

why have i been given this faith? why have i been given the heart to call on Him in every trial? why am i forced - yes forced! - to cry out, scream and worship Him in all my circumstances? why was i given this heart to see Him exalted? sometimes i want an ignorant life Father! 

today i resonate with the cries of king David who lamented psalm 88 crying out "are your miracles only in the darkness, do you show your wonders to the dead? you Lord have put me in the lowest pit, and yet day and night i lift my hands to you, i exalt your name - but you do not answer. have you rejected Your servant? Father? do you hide Your face from me?"

David wasn't having a crisis of faith, he didn't have bad theology, and he wasn't a depressed man.

i'm scared because God wants us all to have a heart like David - that says "i want nothing less than the Kingdom of God now. justice to all, and holiness in all." and this is foreign to the world - our (Father's) wisdom being called foolishness.

we are called fools by our families, and friends, we are aliens in our homes. the world rejects His servants. 

and so reconciling my thoughts, what scares me is that i have a life ahead of me experiencing that kind of oppression and rejection - even among those who love Jesus. it's not something i'm excited about, and its not something i would turn away from - but i don't eagerly anticipate my suffering, or my rejection. 

i pray for peace, knowing it will come, and i draw strength knowing it's there. and i acknowledge i need saving, every minute. every second i need my Father's grace - not because i'm a sinner, not because i'm evil, but because without His Spirit i am both of those things. 

i have no idea what i wrote above here. thanks.