power

i am a weak, weak person. this i have realized from many failures, many bad decisions, and as a result - i crave power.

this is one of my many weaknesses, that in my weakness i am easily seduced by the thought of being powerful.

today i watched as peter (in the chronicles of narnia) decided to go out and attack the human's fortress.

as he made this decision lucy made the haunting remark:
"have you forgotten who defeated the white witch?"

peter made what felt to be the power-full decision.

i have felt this 'power' and that is where my weakness lies.

when i move too quickly, when i try to go out on my own, when i see opportunities to look good, when i push the gas pedal extra hard, when i show off, when i misuse my gifts, when i take up the sword, or shout, or point out someones flaws, when i play with fire, and when i destroy things without care: i feel powerful.

the rush i feel is pleasure, is excitement, and it's exhilarating, and seductive.

and that's a lie, that's deception
that's no truth.


as a jesus lover, my most basic belief is this: that Jesus is Lord.

and when i believe that i acknowledge that i have no power, i acknowledge that before He found me i was a lonely and paralyzed sheep bleating in the wilderness for a master to come and let me move again.


when i play with fire, when i shoot a spark that ignites a flame that burns and burns and burns, i feel powerful - when really i'm not. for what power would i have over that spark, over that fire if there were no creator involved? what power do i have? it was the Lord who gave life to the spark. i have no power.

it's all a lie, it's all deception.

that 'power' i feel, that rush that i feel is NOT power, it is a deception.


to try and take power that i have never had is to deny that Jesus is Lord, that Jesus is ruler over all creation.

when peter went out to fight he forgot who won his battles, much like i could write forgetting who gave me words, much like anyone could forget who gave them breath.


"have you forgotten who defeated the white witch?"