giving up control

i am a huge control freak. by that i don't mean i try and control everyone elses lives, but my own.

i have a schedule.

i seem spontaneous, but only on my own accord. i'll change my schedule in an instant, but someone else changing it? oh no.

the thing is, all the time i talk about surrendering to God, and letting God control your life, and i usually think i do let him do that, but i really don't think i do at all. hm.
i love God, and i trust him, i think.

i think the true mark of faith is fully surrendering, but if i "have to" keep control, then i'm not really surrendering.

it's wierd, i'm thinking about freedom, and control, two very different things.

freedom is thought about as having nothing burdening you, and then it leads on to being able to do whatever you want, freedom from the weight of sin is another.

being able to do whatever you want is a point of control... so i would probably right now say my addiction to control is keeping me from being free, something i just realized is that i need to give up control in order to be free, that seems ironic.

give up control to have freedom.

that seems counterintuitive.

wanting control, is still wanting, not being free. holding on to for your life...is not being free.

being free is having nothing holding you back, having no bonds with anything but God, and being who you were meant to be - sans sin.

control is actually working against freedom so long as it's in human hands.