Friday, January 11, 2008

i want to be free

i want to be free

i want to experience freedom.
not the no-more-rules-type fake freedom we all imagine when we're six - but a different kind.

the kind of freedom i'm talking about is freedom from my self.

freedom from my compulsions, insecurities, fears.

if i had no fear of being judged, if i wasn't afraid of what people would think, what would my life look like?

i would probably dance a lot more... spend a lot less time thinking about what i'm going to wear (yeah... i do spend a lot of time doing that, just ask chrystal)

if i weren't always trying to live within social constructs then maybe i might be who i really am.

its hard to explain.

society tells me that when i'm steaming milk to make a caramel macchiatto, it's not 'normal' to play frisbee while doing a handstand... but if i were free from what society tells me, then i probably would do just that.

what holds me back from calling the shed in my backyard a secret fort and inviting all my good friends over for secret meetings and then buying a dog (who in our mind is our guard wolf) named magnus, and then digging as far in to the ground as i can to find treasure? the fact that society calls 18-year-olds who do that crazy.

i want to be free of that. i don't like that at all.

i hear all the time "the only opinion that matters is god's"
but no one lives like that. no one lives as though that is true in their life.

i have never met someone who is free. someone who doesn't care what anyone thinks, and is willing to be completely free.

i said "willing to be completely free" because, i know it's a choice.

if i chose to stop caring completely i could experience freedom, but at the same time, i'm unwilling to choose to do that, because i'm so scared, and that fear traps me.

i want to be free.

i just haven't figured out how i'm going to do that.

how i'm going to be who i really am.

god's set me free, but i haven't experienced that freedom. sometimes when i dance as hard as i can, or wear a sailor's hat in my car, i feel a brief sort-of freedom, but then people's opinions start to matter, and i start to change my actions, and try to justify my actions with words and my taste of freedom is over.

i want to be free.

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