ontological crisis perhaps?

i question things a lot, i think it's one of my best gifts - but it's can also be a curse.

i have a lot of questions:

who am i? what am i supposed to be doing? where am i supposed to be?

am i in the exact right place at the right moment right now? or should i be writing my homiletics assignment due two days ago? should i be living in dundas? am i giving every free moment to time with God and serving the really needy? does God want me to love and give my time only to those i like - like i'm doing lately?

i don't think i'm successful yet. i'm certainly gifted and brilliant (this is honest, not proud). but i'm not using my gifts and critical thinking skills for what i would call radical abandoned service.

also, i'm being trained to be a church pastor. i get to read lots of nice books, and hear lots of nice speakers. i don't know if it's really meaningful at all. yes knowledge is good, and it can help me. but everything that's happening will one person be changed permanently - that really needs to be changed? or will a bunch of nice christians get some nice knowledge that makes them feel better about their complacent, meaningless existence that seems to be aimed towards receiving more meaningless dvds and fun times with friends?

i don't think i'm angry, and i don't think i'm too harsh. last night i saw the i-heart movie. it was nice, i got to watch a bunch of christians travel around africa and quote people that changed the world. i don't know what the goal was. all i saw was christian tourism on a big screen providing christian entertainment. what's the purpose of all this?

why the big crowds? why big shows? i think God enjoys them - i hope he does. i think there's some purpose. i know Jesus addressed big crowds. but he spoke to those who had ears to hear. not the hard-hearted.

peter also addressed big crowds, and so did philip...and those crowds were changed. but were they ready? i think they were ready to listen and to hear what they needed to hear.

i know we're called to make disciples - but for some reason we don't have the humility to spend all our time with 4-5 people whose lives we could change if we poured in to them. why? i think the honest answer is because no one will see how good a christian we are.

i don't know if i can attend anymore of those meetings and keep my sanity. and more than that, i don't know if i can speak at those meetings. consumer christianity is very meaningless. we're trying to feel better about our meaningless and useless lives by hearing a speaker preach something 'encouraging'. i think we'd be more encouraged if we served wholeheartedly for God.

i'm speaking as someone that doesn't do that. i know when i do - even for a moment - serve selflessly i'm changed.

i can't live in a nice suburban neighborhood and love practically the people i like to be around anymore. and i can't make my aspiration to be a leader in a cute church with nice coloured walls that puts on a good show for useless believers. yes i said useless, and i hope we're all offended.

we need to ask: what is this accomplishing? why are we meeting? is this making a difference? why am i doing this?

if the answer is "to make us feel good" i think it's useless. we don't need more placebo church experiences. i'm so tired of cute prophetic words of encouragement sunday mornings. if paul came to the church today i don't think he'd say "good music, great powerpoint presentation, and good exegesis" i think he'd say "what about them outside here?"

i don't know if i'm right, and don't take me too seriously because i'm venting. i know i'm challenged right now and i'm tired of services and christians encouraging each other with affirming words that say "you're alright, you're good". we're not good right now if we're spending all our time going to church. i don't think any christian can call themselves a christ-follower if all their free time is in a church building. i want to use expletives right now. don't get me wrong i love jesus, but i don't love the state of my life and anyone's life who is similar to me. i think i live too happy of a life with too much chaff.

i know i don't suffer to help people enough. don't worry i'm in the process of changing this.