going home

thank you all for your prayers.

the past while has been a rough time, but its the darkness that jesus came to redeem, it was because of the darkness jesus shone.

my mother has been through great trials, and steve's family has experienced great pain.

both have experienced horrible events, that were never meant to happen.

so often jesus would tell stories taking horrible pain, and showing where God fits in to it all.

we know that God causes no evil, that evil is only the result of separation from God. when we first sinned we left Him, and it's by Jesus' blood that we go home.

my favourite parable is the one of the prodigal son who left home, calling his Father dead, and living a life of sin until he realizes he is hopeless and desolate and returns home to his Father and finds himself once again embraced.


my mom has suffered the fallout of that original sin, the evil and the darkness, and the illness. she has felt the pain of a child far from home, and when she finally passes, she will be fully home. we will suffer the loss, but as we know Jesus can and is wheoever we need. His love is love enough. He is big enough to heal any pain, to satisfy any need. He will not abandon us. He will not leave our side.

the most normal thing imaginable

i so often hear people talk about what sinful and depraved creatures they are, and just as often i hear people talk about how broken and hurting they are... and that's fantastic (?) but also very ignorant. it feels like humility, but is also very proud.

the problem i see is that they love jesus, and believe he's saved them. i cannot be drowning, have someone pull me out of the water, and say "i'm drowning", that's ignorance, that's denying that i have been saved.

i was broken, but i'm whole again.

i can fall back in to the water, but then i can be pulled out again, i can start to fall, but my saviour will pull me back up.

i can still be a hurting person sometimes, but that is only the result of a lack of faith, a separation that still keeps me from being fully in God's presence.

we talk about our sinful disposition as though it were natural, when really, it's not. we were made to be with God, to love God, to love each other, to love unity and all things true, and then we messed up, decided to leave God for that awful tree, and now we live in the fallout.

by no means are we naturally evil. our nature is Good. like God.

the most normal thing imaginable, the most natural thing imaginable is love. we were made in Love's image, we were made whole, and perfect.

i might have a disposition to sin, but a predisposition to greatness in Love.

i can write about pain, and relying on God, and people see this weak person, that needs help, but my Help's already come, he's already saved me, and i know that He is the most normal thing imaginable.

where are the jelly beans?

Hello my delicious tuna fish. My name is christine, if you buy me a shoelace I will call you my bride. In the soup dish that my flossing machine developed I found a scrumptious picture named car-liscence-plate. My lunchbox missed you the other day when I went to replace the flourescent paint-penguin. “goodbye for now my dear” said the christine to the rhinocerous trunk box. “I will forever cherish our every memory together”. “my toe hurts” I said as I listened for the sound of the speaker. When will the golden tuna fish arrive? I began to wonder as I lay prostrate in the yard. “oh no! the yard sale has begun and I’m so de-composed”. My tongue began to grow numb as the tuna fish began to get closer, I realized I must change the carpets below the fish. So as I mounted the ceiling to shoot gum at the floor, I began to question my motivation. Was I doing this for my tongue or for the fish? Am I the fish or am I me?

This was a question that had been plaguing me long-time. Then my wonderful lunchbox came to me and said who are you?

Who am i? am I the tuna fish? Or am I on the ceiling? Should I take pills? Or should I drive the car?

My wallet then said to me…where are the jelly beans?

I realized I didn’t know. So I drove all the way home in the rain from the ceiling wondering all the way how my car was in my house, and how I could drive home from my house, when all the time I never left the ceiling. My imagination ran wild as I drove… three hours passed before I clued in I hadn’t moved, but yet I was home and my toe was still hurting, and the speaker still blaring and I was in the yard on the ceiling by the fish and my yard sale had started but we had nothing to sell and a thousand people surrounded me and I didn’t really know where I was or who I am, and my tongue was swelling more and more and more and MORE!

WHERE ARE THE JELLY BEANS?

pathetic fallacy

this weekend has been a pretty rough weekend for me, i've been pretty drained by everything going on, but it has allowed jesus to shine brighter than ever in my life.

on thursday one of my favourite guys in this world lost his dad to a work accident. this hit me like a ton of bricks. i had hung out with him and his dad on wednesday and then on friday i get a call saying what's happened.

i hung out with them on friday, and it was one of the most pain-filled times i've experienced. i love that family so much, it hurt to see them like that, and steve's absence was felt greatly.

afterwards it really sunk in, that same friday my mom had a pretty scary episode, and everything seemed very dark. but at the same time i knew there was no darkness. i was constantly aware of a very bright light around me and in me, but it was temporarily clouded.

since thursday we've been having some rough rain, and this morning at my starbucks i had one of the rockiest shifts yet. i was all over the place, not realizing i was working.

then i hung out with my friend chris - a great example of God's love - and i was not at all with it. i was very down, and very quiet (unusual for me). as i drove him home a great wall of water fell from the sky deafening me by the sound of it's crashes. the entire time i was praying for it to leave, and i kept praying that it would leave and let me get home. i turned right on to trafalger to go on to the 407, and suddenly as i got on to the 407 the rain stopped, and i looked over from the ramp. there i saw a great black cloud and below it a huge stream of water falling to the ground, and then above me a great white cloud with the sun peaking out from it.

by this i knew my jesus was with me, i knew that he would care for all of his children.

my favourite plot device to point out is pathetic fallacy. today in the weather, by the light, i knew jesus was with me, i knew he was reminding me that no matter what, He is brighter than any light i've seen. no darkness can win.

joy

joy is a wonderful thing.

i praise God for it is something he has blessed me with greatly.

some of you might not know but my family is going through a very rough time with my mom. she's not very well. and in this time, jesus has showed up, everywhere.

i am not a happy person, i am not a loving person. and before i knew jesus, i could have never imagined that humans ever had or could have such a capacity for joy. i never knew that i could love in such a way that i care for others, even when it means losing something. i never knew that submission could bring joy, that sweating and bleeding for someone other than yourself could be joy-filled.

jesus is joy, jesus is love, jesus is grace, jesus is everything that is good.

thomas merton gives the idea that just as darkness is the absence of light, so evil is the absence of good, evil is the absence of God. so sin is the absence of good, the absence of God.

i was empty, jesus filled me. i was without joy, without joy, i was angry, i was selfish. jesus filled me.


in my time of need, in my time of pain, and in the pain of my family jesus has brought unity, brought joy, brought friendship. and even though i fail my family sometimes, and even though i cry sometimes, it is only by God's grace, by his amazing love that i can experience great joy, and join in the procession to the temple rejoicing if only for the fact that i am alive, rejoicing that i am loved.

i am loved, i have the joy, jesus is. let us rejoice.


thank you for all your love, and for all those that shine your love in my life.

life is true

as i went in to the weekend, not really looking forward to a long weekend, i had no idea what i was in for.

i went to the movies twice on friday, and saw prince caspian twice.
beautiful, moving, and very encouraging.

i spent all saturday resting, and hanging out with my family, which was a great change of pace.

then sunday, one of the highlights of my week, i went to church.

at the 8 am service we always have the same group, the same friends, and it's great to really get to know them in a setting of 10 or so people. we talked for a solid 40 minutes about our week, and a LOT about prince caspian, and then of course the lesson. but then something else, we started throwing a football around and laughing while we kept listening to this is home over and over again.

then my friend liam looks at me and says some of the most grace-filled words i've ever heard:

"you know what i think?
i think life is really great."

power

i am a weak, weak person. this i have realized from many failures, many bad decisions, and as a result - i crave power.

this is one of my many weaknesses, that in my weakness i am easily seduced by the thought of being powerful.

today i watched as peter (in the chronicles of narnia) decided to go out and attack the human's fortress.

as he made this decision lucy made the haunting remark:
"have you forgotten who defeated the white witch?"

peter made what felt to be the power-full decision.

i have felt this 'power' and that is where my weakness lies.

when i move too quickly, when i try to go out on my own, when i see opportunities to look good, when i push the gas pedal extra hard, when i show off, when i misuse my gifts, when i take up the sword, or shout, or point out someones flaws, when i play with fire, and when i destroy things without care: i feel powerful.

the rush i feel is pleasure, is excitement, and it's exhilarating, and seductive.

and that's a lie, that's deception
that's no truth.


as a jesus lover, my most basic belief is this: that Jesus is Lord.

and when i believe that i acknowledge that i have no power, i acknowledge that before He found me i was a lonely and paralyzed sheep bleating in the wilderness for a master to come and let me move again.


when i play with fire, when i shoot a spark that ignites a flame that burns and burns and burns, i feel powerful - when really i'm not. for what power would i have over that spark, over that fire if there were no creator involved? what power do i have? it was the Lord who gave life to the spark. i have no power.

it's all a lie, it's all deception.

that 'power' i feel, that rush that i feel is NOT power, it is a deception.


to try and take power that i have never had is to deny that Jesus is Lord, that Jesus is ruler over all creation.

when peter went out to fight he forgot who won his battles, much like i could write forgetting who gave me words, much like anyone could forget who gave them breath.


"have you forgotten who defeated the white witch?"