chains

monotonous suburban constructs eclipse the skies
apathy finds rest within their walls

my soul finds itself barred within
dry, thirsty, weary.

bourgeois pretension almost contagious
lay foundations for frustration.

voices scream from within crying out
desperate to leave
convinced there is nothing here left

a faint tone
almost silent
joins the marching band within
yet it keeps me here.
bids me stay.

i wait
searching for my "why"
and in that question i find you.

in my suffering, i am found in you

homey smells

two day old coffee in a dumpster
an old lady's perfume coated in a layer of second hand smoke
the mothballs in her basement
a new car producing exhaust fumes
smoke stacks polluting a nearby park
leaves falling, shaken by the late night breeze



this smell means home to me. it means adventure, romance, real life. i feel as though the suburban lifestyle has so anesthetized me that at first it seemed frightening, and foreign, but now it's become a reality, and a type of life to me.

wandering again

sometimes i think it's good to have no clue what you're going to do, or where you're going to go. there's somewhat of a sense of humility to the uncertainty. it prohibits bragging about "how busy you are", and keeps you from becoming comfortable. it makes you uncomfortable, and keeps you guessing about what is to come. it also in a lot of ways gives God more opportunities to work. by keeping that uncertainty, you allow yourself to experience day to day, in the moment life more. what i'm learning, is your focus shifts from what you're going to do, to what you are doing, and where you are going. what i've learned from not having a car is that uncertainty can be really fun and teaches you a lot of patience and humility. hopping a train and having no idea where i'm going to sleep or how i'm going to afford food, has been a growing experience.

elephants

donald miller - one of my favourite authors - tells a story in one of my favourite books. he tells a story about a group of orphaned male elephants growing up in an orphanage. when they hit puberty they start acting strangely. they get green sores on their legs, and start becoming violent. they run off and start drowning and raping rhinocerous.

their caretakers meanwhile couldn't figure out what was wrong with them - obviously they had a hormone problem, but all of their efforts couldn't help the elephants.

one day in the distance they see a group of male elephants coming in their direction. as they got closer the orphans started to calm down, and one by one the younger elephants started pairing off with the older elephants, and one by one they calmed down.

the problem was that they needed the influence of an older elephant who had gone through the same problems, who could come alongside of the elephant and help them learn to balance their hormones, and emotions.

it's the same way, whether we have a father or not, we need to look to someone to walk alongside of us and teach us how to deal with life. donald miller uses the story allegorically to talk about how God comes alongside of us and shows us how to live. as someone who has had a very broken relationship with his own father, a perfect father coming alongside of me and showing me how to live is a beautiful thought, and a beautiful reality.

love

i love love so much. love is the answer for everything. working at tim hortons has challenged my ability to love many times. frustrating situations, obnoxious customers, it's very easy to lose sight. the second you look deep in to the eyes of a person and look for a good quality, all the easier it is to love them, and through that to improve both of your days.

in the bible it talks about love as the fulfillment of the law, because if you really love everyone, then you won't kill anyone, or steal from anyone or be jealous or anything, because you don't do those things when you really love.

an organization i am infatuated with is to write love on her arms. a saying they use quite frequently is "love is the movement". that is what i aspire to in my own life.

love is what i follow. i mean, i believe jesus is God, and God is love, therefore, i follow love incarnate. as such, i aspire to be love, and love as much as humanly possible.

whoever you are, if you're reading this, i guarantee you this: i love you

a psalm

i love You so much tonight

let it be so always

i beheld you in the street
___i beheld you in the sky
______i beheld you in the sanctuary

in the eyes of a child i beheld your beauty.

you showed me your glory
___you showed me your love

many times i ignored you
___many times i failed you
______many times did i spit in your face
_________yet infinitely more did you love me

i found myself upside down
___thrown by side of the road
______downcast, abandoned, hateful
_________yet again you rescue me, pull me up

in your arms i find myself
___rescued, loved, and held by you
______closer than ever before, and so in love

this feeling deep inside
my love for you
your love in me
stay within
always


amen

wanderings

on the road

i spent the past few days without a house, and for the most part without the internet. it was wonderful. it was amazing to see how many people were willing to let me be a part of their family for a night. especially this wonderful jesus-loving jesus-following family named the wolfes. they were a great support and radiate with the love of jesus. i love them dearly. it was really cool feeling an uncertainty as i wait for each bus to take me to another place. i'm glad to be headed home, but i already miss the vagrant lifestyle.

i saw something so beautiful in being at the train station waiting, and then getting on. it's incredible how helpful people are when you don't know where you're going. some people would go as far as to have you follow them to a stop, then tell you where to go from there. it was really awesome to see. i felt likewise to Jack Kerouac... only slightly less artistic, and not as far a distance... but still, the point remains. i had a few frustrating times in my wanderings - got lost a few times, shouted at, and abandonded once, yet still it remained a good experience.